January 03, 2015

the reason that i'm hanging on

2014. What a year, to be honest. For me, it was a year that started off on a beautiful note. I may have been happier than I had ever been when I started it off, having reached a point where I became almost completely comfortable in my environment for the first time in my life. I had a job I loved and was surrounded every day by people I had genuinely come to adore. I was very lucky. Like all good things, it had to come to an end eventually—I had to go back to school to work on finishing my education (thanks again, school).

The year didn't end half as well as it started. I was in the deepest pits of depression for much of the latter half of the year, and many days felt like a real struggle, especially when I remembered how very easy 2013 had been. Back then, happiness had begun to feel like it might be truly easy (and perhaps it is, but I just don't know for sure yet). 2013 had made me start hoping for an entire life that looked like work I loved and people I loved. Maybe in a few years I'll be back in that kind of place, but this time it just wasn't meant to last. And I struggled with that, and I'm still struggling. But I'm learning to see that struggling might be—no, struggling is the point. Struggling means that I'm still surviving, that I'm still fighting, and the fact that I'm doing those things means I might actually get through it.

And guess what? On December 31, 2013, when I was the happiest I'd ever been, I guessed that I might be going through this in 2014, and I wrote myself a letter that got sent to me on December 31, 2014. Right when I needed it the most.

2013's Navneet knew what was up. She knew happiness wasn't easy, and she reminded me that she still exists inside me somewhere. Even if I've changed, even if I'm struggling. On some days, I really need that reminder, and I'm doing my best to be okay with that.

A (rather long) excerpt:

Things are always going to be changing and of course that's fucking hard, but it's okay that it's hard. If things are hard right now, remember that they're going to be better soon. Keep moving forward, because there is always, always going to be something better that is waiting for you. I used to look down on my 16 year old self for believing in this, for being naive, but now I feel like I'm letting myself be that person again, at least a little bit. I felt sad for that person before because I felt like she was let down a lot, but I felt proud and envious of her too, for believing the best in the world. Now I really believe that things will keep getting better. After all, I'd thought that nothing could best Italy, but something did. I'd given up on finding people that would become important to me in university, and yet here we are. And if you're distant with them today, or with any of the people that you were close to this time last year, that's okay. Maybe now's the time to stop giving up on them and rekindle some friendships.

I hope you're healthy, and as happy as you can be, and that there are many people that you love and many people who love you. I hope you're still pushing forward despite how hard it is at home, and I hope you haven't given up on love yet. :) Happy new year, darling. Don't forget one of the most important teachings of 2013: that you deserve the best, and most of all, your own love. I love you.”

Here's to hoping that 2015 is a year that is blessed and full of love and kindness to ourselves, for all of us. Happy new year, everyone!

No comments:

Post a Comment